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7 Tips to Untangle from Resentment and Defensiveness

Do you sometimes find yourself repeating stories about how (badly) someone else is acting while mentally defending your position? It’s so fascinating how it feels better in your head, but actually does nothing to increase your sense of well being.

This post is the first in a series of insights from “The 100 Days of Yes” Project: a quest to explore what it means to meet every moment with the energy of ‘yes’.

No surprise that on this adventure I am seeing how often, when I think I’m “just responding to life unfolding”, I’m actually in a heels dug in ‘no’.

Making Up Stories

This story is about the ‘no’ we’re in when we are trying to control the “is-ness’ of others (think judgement, blame, criticism, self-righteousness) and how this particular ‘no’ gets in the way of ease and full permission to live in our ‘yes’.

Free Yourself Up and Take Your Power Back

So here’s the real place to get curious: Is someone else really doing anything that’s creating a problem for me, other than in my own head? Or am I the one creating the problem, with resistance and judgement, and blaming it on them…

Here are 7 tips to untangle yourself from the rigid, resistant energy of ‘no’ that blocks openness and possibility:

  1. Notice what you’re thinking
  2. Get curious about whether your thought is actually true
  3. Notice what opens up if you’re willing to be wrong about it
  4. Check for “the rules” – Am I making up how someone else or life should be – or not be? (this one is pure, undiluted ‘no’ energy)
  5. Am I influenced by something other than my own inner compass? Am I letting someone else’s behaviour dictate who and how I’m being?
  6. Check yourself for feelings of guilt, obligation, fear of someone not liking you or one of my personal fall backs, a ‘screw you’ energy. All of these things pull you off your true north.
  7. Get still for a few moments, check what feels most true for you right now – hint: kind, authentic, creative, expansive – and give yourself permission to act in alignment with that without needing to control what’s true for someone else.

No one wins when we make ourselves or them wrong. Or when we bend ourselves to fit the desires of others or our Ego’s agenda. If it doesn’t feel true for you, it’s not true. It’s ‘no’ energy, and if we keep feeding it, it will inevitably create tension and constriction for us and others, and disconnect us from the freedom to create what we truly want.

 


Good to ponder:

“I shall allow no man to belittle me by making me hate him.” ~ Booker T. Washington

 

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